For years the concept of meditation appealed to me so deeply yet I was absolutely sure I could never do it. I was sure that my brain that never seemed to stop talking would not be able to be still and calm for half an hour. I had visions of myself seated in a lotus position with my hands resting on my lap and my thumb to my index finger held in an ‘O’. I’d either be silent or maybe uttering guttural ‘Ohms’. This just seemed so far from my high energy day to day lifestyle that I didn’t even want to try for fear of immediate failure.
Over the years, I’d occasionally try a guided meditation but truth be told if it was longer than 15 minutes, I’d often fall asleep. Any time I tried to just sit silently and clear my head – which was what I thought meditation was supposed to do- I’d find myself thinking about everything from the grocery list to what my new favorite tv show was to what time I needed to be at a meeting the next day. Every time I would make an attempt and fail, I’d find myself more and more frustrated with my inability to do something I knew deep in my gut, I really needed.
As COVID was gripping the country in a government ordered shutdown with only essential workers being required to work (myself included), I realized more than ever that I desperately needed something calming to deal with my anxiety. My days were filled with taking care of patients in a home care setting including those sick with COVID at a time when we didn’t have very effective treatments. My evenings were filled with parenting, supervising homeschooling and keeping up with chores all while worrying in the back of my mind about keeping myself and my loved ones safe and healthy. I started realizing that what I needed the most was peaceful, quiet and still moments that would allow me space to reflect on all the feelings that I invariably pushed down throughout my stress filled days so I could get through them.
During the summer of 2020, I started listening to Chelsea Handler’s podcast on her latest book while driving from patient to patient. Her book titled Life Will Be the Death of Me came out during June of 2020 and her podcast was released shortly after. In her book, she discusses her deep dive into therapy and her efforts to heal her childhood wounds with therapy and meditation. One of the most fascinating things she shared was that when she began to meditate (per order of her psychiatrist) she started with just 3 minute guided meditations. She shared that she had many of the same issues I’d had with meditation prior to this experience, but the concept of just sitting and listening for 3 minutes was a whole new experience. She went on to talk about how she slowly meditated for longer periods and that it had become a critical part of her healing and overall mental health wellness. When she shared about her experience with three minute meditations, I immediately felt like that was something I could actually do. If I had a guide talking me through what to do for 3 mins, even my non-stop monkey mind could handle that.
I started searching through the App Store and exploring the app she used and several others- what put me off was the cost for a year’s subscription. I honestly didn’t want to put out 70 dollars in another failed attempt. One day while scrolling through Instagram, I saw an ad for a Meditation app that offered the first year free. It is called the Balance app and it has two guides who talk you through all sorts of topics in their meditations. This app appealed to me for two reasons- first, there were many 3 minute meditations to choose from and second, they were guided by either a male or female voice so I could choose whichever voice felt the most calm.
Initially, in fact for probably six months, I’d do them at night as I fell asleep. If I’m being honest, I probably would barely complete those 3 minutes most nights because I became so relaxed with the breathing that I’d almost immediately fall asleep. As the pandemic approached the end of its second year, I found my anxiety steadily building on almost a daily basis. At this point, I realized I needed to do something and what I decided to try was to switch it up and do my meditations in the morning as a way to start my day with a calmer, clearer head space. I thought surely I could find 3 minutes in my early morning time while I sipped my first coffee to take that time for myself.
I decided I’d initially commit to it for a week. What I discovered right away was I loved the breathing techniques. I realized that for months, possibly for even years, I spent much of my day holding my breath and not fully taking deep inhales and exhales. The breathing alone had an immediate impact on my mental health. The nice thing was that the calm and peaceful feelings that came from the three minutes of meditation seemed to last beyond my meditation time and went into my day. Over time I slowly increased my time doing the guided meditations to five minutes, then landed on ten minutes as my sweet spot. I’ve also explored other apps and found I enjoy the Calm app as well. These apps often offer not just meditations but also peaceful relaxation music and Calm offers bedtime stories to listen to as you fall asleep.
It’s been two years now that I’ve been doing these morning meditations and on the days I don’t have the time or take the time to do it, I feel off all day. I’m so grateful to have found a method that helps relieve my anxiety. Doing daily meditation has helped me find a center point and allowed me to better understand my feelings and how they relate to my daily activities and events. It’s also helped me to realize the importance of taking deep breaths and given me the tool of breathing to help center myself through my day.